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Yep, I hear you. You're stuck in the house with your kids, who are used to a routine. But usually it's their teacher or their daycare workers who come up with the routine, and lead your kid through it all day long. And they are paid to do it. You, on the other hand, are a parent who is NOT getting paid to be a parent (unfortunately). In fact, you are probably working from home in addition to homeschooling and keeping all the things running in your household. The last thing I want to do is add another thing to your heaping plate of responsibilities. But here's what I know: A simple routine, when done in a playful way, will help your kids cope, which may just keep you from going insane. Kids, especially young ones, are still trying to make sense of their world. Their little nervous systems are still pretty wobbly when it comes to self-regulation (read more about that here). Kids also have a very fluid sense of the passage of time. That's why your five year old thinks that 55 is the biggest age they can imagine and you have to tell your three year old that you are going on a trip in "three sleeps". Having a routine in place helps kids cope in a number of ways: Predictability is similar to turning on the lights in a dark room: it makes the unknown known. This helps reduce anxiety for kiddos, because they know what to expect. Having a significant change in schedule like we are all experiencing right now is hard for all of us, but it's especially difficult for small minds that just don't understand the "why" and "how long" questions. Routine relieves anxiety in parents, also! Guess what? You're also anxious. I'm just guessing, of course. But it would be crazy if you weren't at least a little bit more anxious than usual. There is a lot on your shoulders right now, and when you're at the end of your rope, the routine is your guide. Routine sets up consistent expectations for you and your child. You are working from home, trying to get your kids to do their school work, trying to keep the floors in your house visible, and also at the same time trying to keep everyone alive. Um, it's a LOT. Once there is a routine in place, both you and your child know which hours you need to be left alone, how much iPad time they get, what they have to do to earn privileges, and when you can spend some time together. Ok, if you weren't convinced already, maybe you are now. But how do you actually make it happen. I know, this is the stuff you actually need. Here are some practical ideas: Keep it simple. No need to have a minute-by-minute schedule. Seriously, this will only make your life worse. Suddenly you'll have a house full of lawyers telling you that it is 11:03 and you are late to take them on a walk even though you are caught on the tail end of a longer-than-expected conference call. Make it visual. Draw it, use clip art, have your kid draw it! Put that thing up on the wall in the kitchen, in the hall, in the bathroom, in your work space, and anywhere else you might need to point to it. Make it fun.Try out different ways to make the routine into a game. How about BINGO? Make a minimum number of key squares that your kids has to complete every day (get dressed, eat breakfast, go outside, do x amount schoolwork, do a small chore, eat lunch, etc.), and then add in extras for them to create BINGO, like extra chores, helping out a neighbour, writing a letter, etc. Make the routine the bad guy. You know that love-hate relationship you have with screen time? The routine can help. Struggling to get your kid dressed? The routine says they have to. Especially for younger kids, this really works. Brief and debrief at the beginning and end of day. Remind your kiddo in the morning of what day it is and point out the key parts of the routine and any changes that you will be making that day. In the evening, perhaps at supper or bedtime, review the day, talk about what went well, and discuss expectations for tomorrow. Parents, you guys are super heroes. Make the routine your cape! Hang in there and as always, reach out for support whenever you need it. #quarantinedwithkids#covid19#routine#routineforsanity@yegfamilycounselling#staysafe #staysane#shelterinplace#quarantinesurvival#parentingtips#coregulation#psychology#justbreathe#everythingwillbeok#copingskills#playtherapy#synergeticplaytherapy#emotionallyfocusedtherapy#familytherapist#familytherapy#reachout#normalizetherapy#mentalhealthawareness#alonetogether

Whoa, you guys, it is a CRAZY time right now. The world is shut down, and everything is different. When someone asks you, "How are you?" as a normal every day telephone greeting, you're sort of at a loss. As if you could even come up with an answer for that. It's even harder if you are stuck at home with kids. They are going nuts and are totally unable to understand why everything is so different all of a sudden. Why can't I go to preschool? Why can't my friends come over? Why can't we see Grandma and Grandpa? It's impossible to know how to even answer these questions without totally freaking them out. It's a TOUGH time to be a parent. I can't fix that, but I thought I would work for the next little while on posts that will help you find sanity in the midst of the crazy. Here is today's: You can't regulate your kid from a place of dysregulation. Ah, that word. Regulation. We've heard it too much. People usually use the term "self-regulation" when it comes to kids. As in, "Johnny needs to work on his self-regulation skills." Yeah, Johnny, get on that. The thing we are learning from attachment and neuropsychology research is that kids don't self-regulate, they co-regulate. (Actually, all of us co-regulate, but that is a topic for another time). Young nervous systems are still learning how to regulate themselves, and so they learn to regulate by being near another regulated adult. So here's the hard question: How you YOU regulate during a time like this? Being regulated doesn't mean being perfectly calm or zen. You can be anxious and regulated. You can be sad and regulated. Regulation simply means you are connected to your body and aware of what is happening for you in the present moment. So the next time you start to feel overwhelmed by state of the world, or the laundry pile, or the dishes or your kid's behaviour, take a minute and try one of these little exercises: Look around the room and use your senses. Pick 5 things you can see, hear, and touch. Or, name one thing in the room for every colour of the rainbow. Take 2 minutes to breath. I bet your diaphragm feels pretty tight from the stress. Notice it starting to loosen and let your lungs expand. Give yourself a reassuring touch. Put your hand on your chest. Wrap your arms around yourself. Put a supporting hand on the places that ache. This may feel weird or cheesy, but science tells us that self-touch lights up our brain in exactly the same pattern as if a loved one were touching us. Reach out. If you aren't coping well, call a friend or parent. Tell your partner, "I need a hug right now." Though you feel alone, you have people who love you and will do anything they can to support you. It's a hard time to be a parent, friends. Hang in there. And if there is anything I can do to support you during this time, please do let me know. Send and email, give me a call, whatever you need. If I can't help you, I will find someone who can. Be well. #quarantinedwithkids #covid19 #shelterinplace #quarantinesurvival #parentingtips #coregulation #psychology #justbreathe #everythingwillbeok #copingskills #playtherapy #synergeticplaytherapy #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #familytherapist #familytherapy #reachout #normalizetherapy #mentalhealthawareness #alonetogether

Emotionally Focused Therapy is all about the most important people in our lives, and how we try to connect with them. Sometimes we do this in ways that aren't that healthy. We get into a negative cycle that just keeps us spinning. The good news? It's no one person's fault... it's that nasty cycle that's messing you up. ​And the other good news? You can change it. Really. Research says so. So, think about the last time you got in a fight with your partner, or even if you didn't fight, the last time there were intense feelings between you. What was the little thing that set you off? Was it a small comment that felt critical? Was it that they didn't respond quickly enough to a request? Maybe you were just lying in bed and felt distant. We can all relate to this... a moment where a significant other isn't able to meet a need. It's usually not on purpose, but that doesn't make it feel any less threatening. When we sense threat, we look to quickly protect ourselves. We do this typically in two ways. The first way is to withdraw. Withdrawers tend to feel that they aren't enough for their loved one: not good enough at meeting their needs. The intent is to save the relationship by moving away, shutting down, hitting pause until emotions aren't running so high. In a healthy cycle, this can be the thing that is needed to help relationships stay on track and avoid doing or saying things that are hurtful. However, under stress, withdrawers shut down so completely that they may not even realize how they are feeling. This can leave their partners feeling left out in the cold. The other way people might protect themselves is to pursue. Pursuers feel like they are too much, too intense. They deal with their intense fear and longing by moving toward their loved one, trying to get them to open up and connect. In a healthy dynamic, this is how couples stay connected. Without pursuers, loved ones would be sitting in separate rooms of the house, never talking or sharing their frustrations. However, under stress, pursuers are so desperate to find a connection with their loved one that they may pursue by complaining or nagging, sometimes to the point of anger and criticism. Typically, in any couple, there is one pursuer and one withdrawer. These dynamics are dyadic and flexible, which is to say that they change between relationships and can change over time. You can see how these two positions might problematically intertwine. The Pursuer, upon feeling disconnected or stressed, moves toward their loved one, perhaps with a mild complaint. The Withdrawer then feels criticized and moves away. This creates more insecurity for the Pursuer, who gets more desperate and starts openly criticizing, which then of course causes a complete shut down for the Withdrawer. And round and round it goes. The cycle. No one person is at fault. Rather, it is each member coping with an unhealthy adaptation of their innately healthy desire to connect. When couples and families get caught up in their cycle, it is really hard to spot it and stop it. Emotions are running so high, and nervous systems are working in over drive to try and find safety. Give YEG Family Counselling a call to help get your cycle sorted out. #yegfamilycounselling #yegcounsellor #yegpsychologist #psychologistsofinstagram #edmontonab #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #emotionallyfocusedtherapist #familytherapist #couplestherapist #efttherapist #onlinetherapy