Finding a Poly-Friendly Therapist

Most people who are looking for a therapist are looking for someone who will listen with a non-judgmental ear and will work with them collaboratively on whatever struggle has brought them to therapy in the first place. While most therapists strive to be accepting and non-judgmental, sadly the therapy room is not immune to bias and stigma. This includes stigma towards those who practice consensual non-monogamy (CNM). A quick note on language: for the purposes of this article I’ll be using consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as an umbrella term for all forms of non-monogamous relationships.

Understanding ‘Mononormative Bias’

One of the less-discussed biases therapists can be impacted by is mononormativity. This is the idea that monogamous relationships are the “natural” form of partnership, or the “right” or “better” way for people to engage in romantic/sexual relationships. This might show up in direct statements or implications that non-monogamous relationships are trivial, transitory, or an outright relational transgression. 

If you’re reading this blog post, maybe you’ve already had a poor experience with a therapist’s approach to conversations around CNM. Or maybe you’re wanting to avoid having that experience in the first place. Let’s take a look at how you can narrow your search, whether for an individual or relationship therapist.

Gather your first impression

This may sound obvious, but what do you notice on the therapist’s website, social media, or printed materials? Do they show up on directories like Psychology Today when you add the non-monogamy filter? When they talk about couple’s counselling do they even mention the existence of non-monogamous relationship structures? Maybe they even use the term relationship counselling instead of couple’s counselling. Does their bio seem generally inclusive and reflect experience working with groups/individuals who are marginalized or  impacted by stigma? All of these are cues as to whether they think about–or have awareness of–non-monogamous relationships. This doesn’t mean that every therapist without non-monogamy on their website is biased against CNM, but it still provides information for you as you narrow your search. 

Book a free initial consultation

So you’ve looked through whatever materials the therapist has available and their language seems open and inviting–now what? A few hundred dollars session is no joke, after all! 

Most therapists will offer some sort of free Intake or Inquiry call–take advantage of that. You have every right to interview your potential therapist and ask whatever questions you need to make sure they’re a good fit. Regardless of the issue, feeling comfortable with, and supported by, your therapist are the most important ingredients in the therapeutic recipe. Some questions you can ask to explore their experience working with non-monogamous clients:

• What’s your experience working with people who practice CNM? Straightforward, I know! You can tailor this to whatever terminology you use to describe your personal relationship practices (e.g., polyamory, relationship anarchy, open relationship, etc.). Even if they explain that they have limited experience in that realm (honesty is always a great sign!) their response can still tell you a lot about their perspective on CNM relationships. 

• How do you understand CNM as a relationship structure, particularly when compared to monogamy? I know this question may feel a little on the nose, but it can still be important to ask. You will hopefully get a response that acknowledges the challenges different relationship practices can face, but ultimately doesn’t privilege one over the other as the “right” way.

• What are some of the most common challenges experienced by non-monogamous folks? If they can name common challenges CNM folks face (e.g. stigma, struggles coming out to family/friends, jealousy, time management, navigating relationships with metamours, etc.), even if they’re not the specific issues you’re dealing with, it’s a cue they’ve worked to develop an awareness of CNM and its nuances.

If you’ve had a poor experience with previous therapists you may even want to discuss those situations in this call, asking the new potential therapist how they would approach or respond to your concerns.

Continue assessing your first few sessions

You’ve looked at the new therapist’s materials, had an initial conversation, and no alarm bells went off! So you decide to book a full session with them. There are still plenty of things to look out for as you continue on your therapeutic journey:

• Following your lead: A collaborative therapist will look to you for guidance on the issues and struggles to focus on in your sessions. When it comes to CNM in particular, it can be a red flag if your therapist relates everything back to this aspect of your identity, especially if you’ve signalled that you aren’t interested in focusing specifically on CNM in counselling. Framing the practice of, or belief in, CNM as a problem can be a sign they are holding some bias and might not be the best fit.

• Supporting your relationship structure: Your therapist should support you in strengthening your relationship structure rather than tearing it down. This doesn’t mean all inquiries about the nature of your relationships and if/how they are serving you are off the table. Rather, whenever you do discuss your relationship(s), they demonstrate neutrality, understanding, and/or curiosity instead of framing CNM as immature, temporary, or inevitably doomed.

• Approaching the topic with curiosity and compassion: Even clinicians who are well-versed in ENM can fall into the trap of making assumptions about, or passing judgment on, certain relationship dynamics or structures. Regardless of their professional understanding of, or personal experience with, ENM, a good therapist will work to understand what CNM means to you and why it’s important. This is because they recognize how people understand and practice ENM varies from person to person, and relationship to relationship. 

Reflect on your experiences with your therapist and provide feedback

Remember, therapists are people too, which means they are flawed, can make mistakes, or may show you different sides of their practice as your therapeutic relationship deepens. If you find the therapist you’ve chosen isn’t consistently providing you with the type of support I outlined above, or if the reality of therapy with them is different from how they presented themselves before, I encourage you to name that with them directly. This gives them the chance to explain their approach, clear up any misunderstandings, or pivot. A willingness to receive feedback and adjust accordingly is, after all, a sign of a great therapist! Ultimately, if they shut down, react defensively, or don’t feel like a safe person to bring your concerns to at all, you can always end the therapeutic relationship without explanation.

When it comes to finding a poly-friendly therapist, it’s more often about trying to gauge how much the clinician has reflected on the topic of CNM than it is about determining their professional competency or years of experience more generally. Even therapists who have limited experience working with CNM–or are new to the field of psychology–can be potentially great therapists for you simply because they approach conversations around CNM openly, non-judgmentally, and stay focused on what your concerns or struggles are. 

Check out the poly-friendly therapists YEG Family Counselling has to offer

This is exactly the kind of support you’ll find at YEG Family Counselling. Because we believe that  ‘family’ simply refers to the people who matter most in your life, we strive to provide accessible and anti-oppressive therapy that is open to all. This includes folks who practice CNM, their partners, children, metamours, chosen family, and co-conspirators alike.