Low Contact or No Contact? Navigating Boundaries

11 minutes ago

3 min read

Are there people in your life who bring more strain than peace?

If you find yourself nodding in agreement, you might just have relationships with people whom recent research has identified as hasslers. According to the study, relationships with hasslers tend to feel hostile, strained, or burdensome. Examples of hassler behaviours can include crossing boundaries, taking more than they give, and becoming easily angered or shut down, resulting in one feeling as if they’re walking on eggshells in the relationship. A CBC article on the research went as far as identifying hasslers as “toxic.”

A White, male-presenting person with short hair holds their arms on top of their head in frustrated contemplation as they face the setting sun.

As a therapist, I strive to avoid describing people using language such as “toxic” or “hassler." Rather, I might describe their behaviour as such. That's because I don't believe anyone is inherently toxic--a person is much more than their hassling behaviours!

If we consider people and their behaviour through the lens of attachment, a more nuanced portrait begins to take shape. Attachment Theory shows us that the tactics people use to get their needs met are rooted in their past experiences. For instance, some children grew up with caregivers who were more attuned and attentive to their needs. Such caregivers could provide a safe and open environment where children's needs were either intuited and met, or the children could ask for what they needed directly and the caregivers would respond promptly.

So-called “hasslers,” on the other hand, likely had to engage in more hostile behaviours to protect themselves and to get their needs met. While this view is not an excuse for behaving in ways that are hostile or demanding, it can provide an empathic and compassionate lens through which to view their situation. When we tap into our empathy and compassion, it allows us to better express our experience of the situation, how we're being impacted, and what our resultant needs are. This gives the hassler the opportunity for self-reflection and, ideally, repair--through acknowledgement and changed behaviour.

Unfortunately, even when we lead with empathy and compassion, we aren't always met with the same. If your person responds with blame and defensiveness, or they acknowledge and apologize but do not change their behaviour, you may find yourself wondering if you should keep the status quo, or go "low contact” or “no contact.” This can be an important consideration, as staying in a strained relationship can have deleterious health effects. For example, the study on "hasslers" mentioned before found a correlation between keeping "hasslers" in one’s life with accelerated biological ageing. It’s no wonder, then, that so many people caught in this type of relationship are left to decide: “Is it worth it to stay?”

A BIPOC, male-presenting therapist sits with his legs crossed taking notes in his office across from a couple seated on a couch looking at each other. Therapy can be a useful tool in determining appropriate boundaries with hasslers in your life.

While going “no contact” can be a necessary option for some, it is also possible to go “low contact” with hasslers. This can look like only texting or seeing each other on special occasions--such as birthdays or holidays--or simply lessening the amount of interaction and sharing of personal information with them.

A decision like this is not black and white--it can be complex and difficult, with a lot depending on the context. For example, when it comes to friends, this may be an easier decision than with family. Cultural scripts enforce that familial love is unconditional. Therefore, one should stay loyal and connected to their family no matter what. Further, going no- or low-contact can have implications such as losing financial or childcare support, or no longer being a part of traditional and meaningful gatherings.

Currently, shifts are happening where more (adult) children are choosing to cut ties with family members over continued boundary crossings, lack of reciprocity, and other hassling behaviours. If you find yourself in a relationship like this, you may benefit from the support of a therapist. Therapy can help you understand your attachment needs and process the attachment wounds from the hassling person. Further, it can provide a space to feel the difficult feelings like grief, confusion, and shame, that can come with setting and enforcing boundaries with ones you love. A therapist can also teach you about different types of boundaries and help you identify which ones might work best for you and your situation.

As a counsellor, I do such work with clients and would love to support you on your journey to clarity. If this is something you're interested in exploring for yourself, or if you have someone in your life that could benefit from this type of support, I would encourage you to read my bio and complete your intake with YEG Family Counselling today.

References

Fraser, L. (2026, March 15). The negative people in your life are making you get older faster. Here’s how to handle them. The Current. https://www.cbc.ca/radio/thecurrent/hasslers-study-negative-people-9.7124224

Lee, B., Ciciurkaite, G., Peng, S., Mitchell, C., & Perry, B. L. (2026). Negative social ties as emerging risk factors for accelerated aging, inflammation, and multimorbidity. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 123(8). https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2515331123