When Does Purity Culture Cause Harm?

For many people who are exploring the impact of religious trauma on their lives, “purity culture” is an important topic. I can't count the number of conversations I've had with people about the many ways this concept impacts us, and how it shows up implicitly and explicitly in faith communities. So today, I wanted to spend some time unpacking what purity culture is, how it impacts us, and how we move forward.

First, what exactly is purity culture?

Purity culture is a term used to describe the social and religious messages that tie a person’s worth to their ability to adhere to a collection of very strict moral rules. People experience it in different ways, and not everyone will define it the same way. However, at its core, purity culture speaks to the ways desire, bodies, and behaviours are rigidly regulated, often in ways that leave lasting impacts on our sense of self, relationships, and overall wellbeing.

Purity culture is most commonly associated with conversations about sex and intimacy. While this is an area where the messaging tends to be more explicit (e.g. abstinence-only teachings, rules about dating, avoidance of “temptation”, etc.), the underlying themes of shame, control, and a rigid understanding of morality impact us in many other ways. It can shape how safe it feels for us to have needs, express those needs to others, make mistakes, or trust our own judgement. 

When I say 'feeling safe having needs,' I mean that in both an emotional and a physical sense. Growing up in a purity-focused environment often teaches us that our desires or needs are dangerous, sinful, or morally suspect (at best). When we are taught that something is dangerous, our nervous system learns this too, and will send “alarm signals” to us whenever we are in a position where it perceives that danger might occur. This is incredibly helpful in situations like encountering a bear on a hiking trail, where our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses keep us safe. However, when we learn that something inside of us, like the presence of our needs or desires are dangerous, our nervous systems will respond to that as though there is a very real threat to our survival. In this context, it also signals that there is a very real threat to our spiritual safety. In therapy, part of the work we do together is helping the nervous system update this old learning. We might gently experiment with making small, safe expressions of our needs in the therapy room, and perhaps taking it outside of the therapy room by asking for clarification in a conversation at work or school, or setting a minor boundary with a safe friend. Over time, repeated experiences of expressing our needs without shame, punishment, or rejection allow our nervous system to recalibrate. What once felt dangerous begins to feel more tolerable, and

eventually, more natural.

Another area where the impacts of purity culture show up is around making mistakes. From a young age, a purity-focused environment often teaches people that doing the “wrong” thing, thinking a “bad” thought, or breaking the rules can have serious spiritual, social, or personal consequences. We are often told that these mistakes have significant bearing on our value. Over time, we might then treat even small errors as threats, triggering anxiety, tension, or self-criticism. This is often true for those who have left religion, or for whom the original rules no longer even apply. The fear of making a mistake can show up as avoiding risks we might want to take, second-guessing ourselves, or ignoring our own judgment, making everyday decision-making feel difficult or overwhelming. In therapy, we can practice making small mistakes in safe, controlled ways, showing us that errors do not define us and have no bearing on our value as human beings. Along the way, this process also helps cultivate self-compassion and trust in ourselves. Let’s colour outside of the lines! 

Of course, I would be remiss not to specifically address the ways purity culture impacts our understandings of sex and intimacy. When sexual desire is framed as dangerous and sinful in almost every context but one very specific one, this leaves lasting impressions on how we see and understand our bodies and our relationships. It often leads to close monitoring of our own (and others’) behaviour, and the policing of ourselves through rules about modesty, who we spend our time with, what media we consume, and even how we think about our own bodies. Over time, this can make sexual intimacy feel shame-laden and unsafe. Even thinking about it can end up feeling “wrong”.

For many, not adhering to purity culture's “rules” about sex and relationships can carry serious social repercussions, including judgment, exclusion, or ostracism from family, peers, or faith communities. Even when the “rules” are followed, however, the internalized shame and fear around desire often remain. After years of being taught that desire is morally wrong, even being “permitted” to act on those feelings, like in the context of marriage, can trigger a lot of fear, guilt, and shame. Because being sexual or intimate are embodied experiences, our fear responses can also show up in our bodies. This could lead us to be self-critical, or to police our actions. This makes a lot of sense given that, within purity culture, the body itself is often framed as something dangerous or tempting. This can cause us to have a lot of difficulty relaxing into sensation and sexual connection, because our attention is more focused on self-surveillance and judgement.

In a more physical sense, someone may feel unable to stay safely present in their body during sexual intimacy. This is often when dissociation happens, meaning someone might temporarily disconnect from their body or surroundings to cope with the stress or trauma of the moment. People might report this as feeling like they "black out”, struggle to physically feel or respond to touch, or notice that their body goes numb or shuts down during intimacy. If the body has long been experienced as unsafe, being fully present in it in the way sexual intimacy requires, can feel overwhelming and triggering. Purity culture can train the body to respond to intimacy with alarm, tension, or automatic disconnection rather than pleasure or safety. In therapy, our work together often involves gradually dismantling shame and guilt, developing a sense of safety with regards to sex and relationships, and learning that it is okay, safe, and important to explore desire. 

While there are lots of other ways purity culture can impact us that I haven’t discussed here, I hope that this has provided validation for anyone who is beginning to understand its impacts on their mental wellbeing. If you are struggling with feelings of shame, fear, or confusion because of purity culture, you are not alone and your feelings are valid. If you feel ready to explore these experiences with a therapist, I would encourage you to read my bio and complete your intake with YEG Family Counselling today.